Anita's Haven

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Night of Decision

on 04/02/2015

I found myself on top of a waterfall, tired of life so dreary,
With the nightbirds shrieking aloud, painting the nature eerie,
And I envisioned the perfect, swallow-like dive
Hoping my frail body simply wouldn’t survive
Drained with all I couldn’t quite handle
Wishing this water would turn off my candle,
Unsteadily standing on this slippery ground,
The tumult of water would drown away the sound…
Would it drown away me?

‘I’m too tired of living,
So tired of life,
Have no more strength
To fight in this strife…’

The sunset mist made my thoughts unclear
And evening heat strengthened my fear.
I couldn’t remember how I got to that place,
As tears cascaded down my miserable face.
All I had left in me was this unstoppable urge
To fly down the tumult and forever submerge.
And the nightly wind kept toying with my will
Swaying my body when I needed to be still…
Would it hear my plea?

‘I’m too tired of living,
So tired of life,
Have no more strength
To fight in this strife…’

But a steady, humming buzz disturbed my nightmare,
Meddling in my thoughts, not letting me dare,
Wouldn’t let me jump, wouldn’t let me fly,
Kept pulling me back, not letting me die,
Till I started to see pale shadows of white,
Transparent, but powerful in their hysterical flight,
Like bees swarming thickly around my head
Whispering ‘Think, before you are dead…’
Would they help me see?

‘I’m too tired of living,
So tired of life,
Have no more strength
To fight in this strife…’

These ghostly souls lost in the fall
One by one entered my pitiful soul,
Moaning their stories and sharing my fear,
Trying to make me see death from so near.
As I imagined the splash and spill of red gore,
They troubled and haunted me more and more.
‘If you want to jump, jump before it’s day,
while falling, you might change your mind half-way…’
Would it really be?

‘I’m too tired of living,
So tired of life,
Have no more strength
To fight in this strife…’

Their hollow eyes glistened with silver and red,
Waiting to see if I’d choose to be dead.
Their voices made circles around me like rope.
Of hell they spoke to see if I’d cope.
I could feel their claw in my back like a pin
To scratch or to push me down with a grin.
I kept shaking my head to chase them away…
‘Oh do let us stay, we just want to play…’
Would they leave?

‘I’m too tired of living,
So tired of life,
Have no more strength
To fight in this strife…’

Their capes, like jellyfish, pushed me and pulled,
I tried to wish them away, but they wouldn’t be fooled.
They kept stinging my thoughts like electrical shocks,
And unleashing my fears like simplified locks.
Like starving vampires they fed off my weakness,
And I blinked my eyelids so tired, yet sleepless.
They howled and growled and screamed in my head
And I desperately cried ‘Let me be, leave me dead’…
Would I sleep?

‘I’m too tired of living,
So tired of life,
Have no more strength
To fight in this strife…’

And the clatter of their teeth kept skipping the beat,
As the night grew colder and my brain gained heat.
They kept slicing my resolve with unspoken words,
Transforming what I thought haven into hellish curse,
And the waterfall bottom now seemed far and so deep
As they awoke in me a fury I thought forever asleep.
Suddenly turning I slipped on some moss,
Hit my head really hard and fainted, of course…
Would I breathe?

‘I’m too tired of living,
So tired of life,
Have no more strength
To fight in this strife…’

From a bottomless slumber I returned with a sigh.
Was I dead or dreaming or maybe alive?
On my pillow of moss, I was watched by moonlight.
All the shadows were gone – it was Halloween night.
Unburdened, I got up and started to roam,
And so strangely happy, the starts guided me home.
Did I change my mind when I got there half-way?
Maybe yes, maybe no, but there sure came the day.
Would you?

image

Anita Kovacevic

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